Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome