[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
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In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
journal
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*