Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project