{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You Might Also Like
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what