Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Happy Febuary everyone!

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

I’m good, thanks.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Who says great literature is dead?

Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.

Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.

Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.

Doc: Stop eating pizza.

Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *