Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Me: I like sunsets

Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say

Me:

Son: you’re also very pale

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.