Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”