“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Breaking news:
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.