“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
You Might Also Like
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
それは草
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Customize Your Wedding.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.