“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Actually cracking up @ this
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Name this drama.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.