“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan