Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.


[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]


This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”


Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.


My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?