Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
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Look at this
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
not seeing the problem
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
happy mother’s day❤️
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.