@SCbchbum

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

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@alovablenerd

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

@1evilidiot

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

@aedison

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

@CAshmanActor

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

@BeamishBoi

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

@UnFitz

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

@Brampersandon_

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

@LostFelicia

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

@imskytrash

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time