Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time