Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

*updates tinder bio*

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Good morning, Twitter x

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Care for your back

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

i was baptized in a car wash