Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Fidel Castro was alive?

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”