Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time