*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*gets down on one knee*
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?