Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Got him!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.