Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’ll be mad as hell!
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?