Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

i spent way too long on this

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

ㅤ

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Erm…

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …