Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
You Might Also Like
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
giddy up Office Depot
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.