Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.