Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.