Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Asking the real questions!

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Strangers have the best candy.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years