Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Unimpressed
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.