Cop: you have an outstanding warrant
Me: why thank you
couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship
gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-
me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito
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“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.
*steals your snacks, runs away
I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.