@existential_d

couples therapist: when did you start feeling unsatisfied with the relationship

gf: when he started his novelty crisp collectio-

me: [ugly crying] when she ate danny dorito

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@DaddyJew

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

@jtswhipped

“Are there drug dealers on Twitter?” Asking for 522 friends.

@MakesYouGiggle

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

@JediGigi

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

@the_real_keg

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

@tehaveragejoel

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

@Darlainky

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

@Sarcasmo718

Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.

@WGladstone

I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.