Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!