Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”