Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

the zen of frog

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

then why did i get this email

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday