Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Siri, fight Alexa.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]