[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
The two types of wives
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.