Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…