Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*