[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.