[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

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I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.


The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.


6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads.
7yo: why do you need to be a bird?

my 7yo is ready for twitter.


ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did


I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.


To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now


all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot


Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.


Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.


What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”