[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You Might Also Like
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello