Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.