Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.