Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

The biggest mystery of our time

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.