[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up