Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.