Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

#Caturday

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

subtitles are so good nowadays

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

I can also cook 😂

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.