Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.