Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had