Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Put the is in disheveled

wow

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.