[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine