Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

more water

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.