[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.