[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

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[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot


Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.


LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day


“Previously on-”

First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours


No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.


Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.


Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.



GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude


Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.


Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.