@DanMentos

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

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@briangaar

[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot

@trumpetcake

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

@animadvertguy

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
LAWYER: ya
ME: k no I was murdering that day

@notjustblondee

“Previously on-”

First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours

@theshamingofjay

No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I’ll just stay on Twitter.

@loribuckmajor

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

@markydoodoo

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

@Six_Pack_Mom

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.