Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…