Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*