Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.