Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”

“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail