Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Oh my god
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.