Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.