Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Limited budget
The United Steaks of America
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.