Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?