Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.