Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.