court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else