@lawyerthoughts

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

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@LittleMissAngr1

Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.

@jonnysun

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

@arcadeseals

me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”

@fouadelbatrawi

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

@InsouciantMan

Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.

How do you apologize properly for something like that?

@KylePlantEmoji

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.