Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk
wife: great! what did he say?
me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.
How do you apologize properly for something like that?
Botany good plants lately?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.
Because. They. Will. Explain. It.
Not all heroes wear capes.