court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

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Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what’s for dinner.


teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker


me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”


Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.


Wife sees me naked at least once a day every day.

How do you apologize properly for something like that?


Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?


Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.