I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
her: [checking phone] OMG my dad had a heart attack
me: [remembering girls like bad boys] good
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world