Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*