Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
You Might Also Like
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO