[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb