Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

That’s no pocket rocket.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “