[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!![]()
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Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.