Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Oh yeah that’s it

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

A huge thanks to the person that did this

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”