Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there