Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Check your privilege

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.