(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”