(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
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GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
That’s easy for you to say
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’ve been drinking.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok