@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@Stap_Jr

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

@Cpin42

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

@Parkerlawyer

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

@sixfootcandy

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

@faizziy

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

@Kids_kubed

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever