@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

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@UnFitz

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

@BrotiGupta

my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”

@EyeSeeYou619

WARNING: There isn’t nearly as much beer in the wilderness as Coors commercials lead one to believe.

@Prof_Hinkley

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

@Reverend_Scott

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@novicefather

I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.

@janellejcomic

Lady at my job stepped out the bathroom stall and went straight to putting her contacts in her eyeballs. We are goners.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same