LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

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Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.


my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”


WARNING: There isn’t nearly as much beer in the wilderness as Coors commercials lead one to believe.


[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware


[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?



WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you


I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.


Lady at my job stepped out the bathroom stall and went straight to putting her contacts in her eyeballs. We are goners.


Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same