Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

👍

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”